Stories from work

In the file of ridiculous things I've been told as a Foreign Teacher:

"Please teach my daughter to behave well at home. At school, her behavior is fine, in the normal range, sometimes naughty, usually nice. At home she is disrespectful to me, leaves things lying around, and won't hold a pencil in the way I deem to be correct. Please help her to learn all these things. Additionally, get her to stop chewing on her fingers, and if you could teach her that stealing is wrong, too, that'd be great. Thanks."

"Please don't remind my boy that he is late. He feels ashamed that he is late, and does not want to go into school to face his teacher who is upset when he is late every day. I know he is far behind the rest of the class, and that he needs all the help he can get (including additional, expensive tutoring) in order to catch up. Despite knowing this, I can't be bothered to wake him up on time to get him to school in the morning. Instead I allow him to stay up late and sleep late, even though he feels ashamed when he misses classes. Thanks."

"I think you don't like my little girl because she frequently comes home from school and tells me that she's had a bad day. Never mind the fact that using any tone of voice on her other than happy and cheerful frequently sends her into a sulk, and certainly never mind the fact that asking her to apologize to her friends after she insults them brings her to tears. Surely the cause of her bad days must be that her teacher does not like her. It could not possibly be that she is spoiled."

"I think you don't like my little boy because you have sent home reports that detail his consistently poor behavior, as well as his utter lack of internal motivation. These reports are more detailed and more critical than the reports we received last year. I don't care that his teacher last year frequently lied by omission in his reports, the answer must be that you don't like my little boy, even though he loves you dearly and is ALWAYS happy to see you."

"Please grow a beard by Thursday of this week. You look too young to be a teacher, and in fact you are too young to teach legally in this country, so please grow a beard before your Parent Teacher Conferences. Additionally, please tactfully redirect any questions that might be hinting at your true age." (Thankfully, no longer an issue.)

"Be ready to escape through the back door at any moment. Occasionally the government sweeps schools like ours for illegal foreign teachers. Since your paperwork hasn't cleared yet, you fall into that category. If an agent comes to inspect us, I will get on the intercom and announce that 'Teacher Ben has a visitor.' That will be your cue to duck out through the kitchen."

"Oh, by the way, you're Santa now. Here is your regulation Santa Costume that doesn't fit, complete with a nylon beard that smells of 'questionable' origins."